I CAN MOONWALK!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
