I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
