The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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