Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize