if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
