where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
