I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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