i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
