Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize