You're my little dorito
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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