dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Randomize
