Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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