I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
