I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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