Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
