my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
