do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
