Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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