The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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