My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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