the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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