if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
