that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
