Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
