3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
