it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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