my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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