doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
