Your mouth is God's brothel.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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