i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
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