He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
