When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize