you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
