and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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