After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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