My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
