I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
