This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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