the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
