duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
