i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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