DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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