Are we in a gay sports bar?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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