god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
