My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize