I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
