I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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