Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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