Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
