and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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