God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
