is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
