im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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