dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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