I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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