so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
