On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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