I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
