It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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