woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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