Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
