All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
