I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
