I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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