how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize