Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
